Just A Harmless Bank Robbery
by VVhiplash
Summary: What happens when an ordinary bank robbery turns out to be more than what the Metallikats bargained for? Danger: Cream pies within!


Just A Harmless Bank Robbery (Never Hurt Anyone, Right?)  
  
  
  
From Whiplash Productions  
  
Copyright Jazz: Mr. T suddenly appears in a flash of light. "Hey sucka', I pity the fool who thinks this guy owns Swat Kats! My mans from Swat Kats are copyright to Hanna-Barbara, and I don't wanna' hear no jibber-jabber 'bout it! The T has spoken!" Mr. T vanishes.  
  
*Author's Notation: First try at any sort of Swat Kat fiction, let alone humor, so a hairball advisory is in effect until the ending of this story. Thank you.  
  
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It was a nice sunny day in Mega Kat City, and everyone was happy and content. Well, until the bank's front door exploded. Yes, it was true, ol' Mac and Molly Mange were up to no good as usual.  
  
"Alright! Lets get outta' here!" Mac stopped, "Hey! Where's our tank?"  
  
"Those clowns at the Enforcer Headquarters took it." Molly answered.  
  
Five or six clowns sped by in the familiar green tank, shouting wildly and honking the horn and their noses continuously. They were throwing cream pies at pedestrians, and one of these creamy delicacies hit Mac smack in the face. Mac licked his lips.  
  
"Yeck!" He spat, "Moldy cream cheese! What's this city comin' to, anyways, when an upstanding evil-doer can't even make it to his car without gettin' pied!" Mac protested.  
  
"Ah, shut up! Your whole family use to do it all the time when yous was a kid!" Molly accused, knocking him upside the head.  
  
"Hold it right there, scum buckets!" A masculine voice challenged.  
  
"Roger that, copy, over, Roger!" Another voice said.  
  
"The Swat Kats!" Mac shrieked.  
  
"Get a hold of yourself!" Molly yelled, slapping him.  
  
"Freeze! Put your hands in the air! Roger that, over, copy, Roger." Jake instructed, holding his glovatrix in ready.  
  
"Do what the kat said!" T-Bone ordered, "And hey, Razor, stop callin' me Roger."  
  
"Roger that."  
  
As bad luck would have it, those trouble-making clowns having a joy ride in the Metallikats' tank happened to come by for a second pass. They nailed both T-Bone and Razor in the face with a cream pie.  
  
"See, if you had that kinda' aim, maybe we coulds actually kill somebody!" Molly retorted.  
  
"Ah, shut up!" Mac stated, "Where's our car."  
  
Molly ran up beside a tiny looking yellow car with pink and green flowers decaled all over its body.  
  
"Dis is the best I could come up withs." Molly said, throwing the moneybags into the small trunk.  
  
"Holy bolts! What is it?" Mac cried, getting into the driver's seat.  
  
"Uh, it's some kinda' bug. Bee, or VW, or somethin'." Molly answered, placing herself in the passenger seat.  
  
"Okay, let's bust a joint!" Mac rallied, spinning the tires and slamming the Volkswagen into a parked car in front of it.  
  
After backing up and smashing into the car ahead of them several times, the yellow flower car made off down the street.  
  
"Oh my gosh! Those two stole my car!" A ridiculous looking clown shrieked.  
  
The tank full of clowns happened to pass by.  
  
"What?"  
  
"That's sickening!"  
  
"Let's pie 'em!"  
  
"Whoo!"  
  
So the clowns took off after the two Manges in the yellow Beetle, and as for our heroes-  
  
"Mmm! Cream pie!" T-Bone said, licking his chops.  
  
"Copy that. I'm detecting traces of coconut, over." Razor rattled, licking his own lips.  
  
The clown with the stolen car walked up to the two vigilantes.  
  
"Um, hey, you guys," He said, "My car was stolen."  
  
Suddenly, a loud whirring was heard, and twenty or so helicopters were buzzing around the one spot.  
  
"The Enforcers will handle this!" Feral proclaimed with gusto.  
  
A pie hit Feral in the face. Turning red, the big kat wiped it off and growled.  
  
"You there! Clown! Did you say your car was stolen?" Feral interrogated.  
  
"Yeah…" The clown answered.  
  
"Do you know of anyone who might want to steal your car?"  
  
"No…"  
  
"C'mon Razor, with Feral's questioning methods, we could be here all day." T-Bone whispered into his partner's ear.  
  
"Were you drinking profusely at the time your car went missing?"  
  
"Copy that. Roger." Razor whispered back.  
  
"No…"  
  
"I told you, stop calling me Roger." T-Bone whispered furiously.  
  
"Do you have any reason to believe that my mother might have stolen your car?"  
  
The two crime fighting kats sneaked away and jumped into their Turbokat, flying off after the Metallikats.  
  
While speeding down the busy streets of Mega Kat City, the tiny yellow clown car was bouncing up and down to the beat of one of Mac's personal favorites.  
  
"…What's new pussy cat. WHOA-OA-OA-OAH…" Mac sang, stopping at a red light.  
  
Molly looked out her passenger side window. Some "far out" looking kats were sitting on the sidewalk, gawking at their yellow multi-colored flowered Volkswagen.  
  
"Right on, sister!" One of them yelled, giving the trademark two-fingered peace sign.  
  
Molly returned the peace sign, except she kept her index finger down.  
  
"Wild, man, wild." Another one of the hippy kats stated, starting to strum his guitar.  
  
"Were there any illegal narcotics in your car?" Feral asked.  
  
"Yeah…" The clown responded.  
  
"Ha! I knew it!" Feral rejoiced.  
  
"But they're for medical purposes!" The clown quickly responded.  
  
"Oh…nuts." Feral sighed.  
  
"Hey T-Bone, it's a good thing I just installed this new pie-seeking radar, copy, over." Razor said proudly.  
  
"Yeah, buddy! It'll be a snap to trace those clowns' pie signals, and they'll lead us right to the Metallikats." T-Bone confirmed, giving a thumbs up.  
  
"The pie radar shows they're heading towards Industry Corp. Roger, copy." Razor stated.  
  
"Hey, isn't that where they're having all those protesting problems?" T- Bone asked.  
  
In front of Industry Corp., Dr. Viper and several more "far out" kats were massed by the front door of the large company. He was holding a "Think Green" sign and shouting things through a megaphone.  
  
"Sssssstop global warming!! Sssssssstop killing treesssssss!! Ssssssave the rainforessssstssssss!!" Dr. Viper shouted, backed up by his "Green Team."  
  
"Alright, dump the waste! That's it." The chief security guard instructed from a first story window.  
  
Two kats in plastic suits poured a large canister of greenish looking liquid onto the protesters below. The "Green Team" screamed, and they all scattered as the nuclear waste ate through the concrete they had been protesting on.  
  
"You dirty sssssservantsssss of ssssssscival enterprissssssse!!" Dr. Viper cursed through his megaphone.  
  
The "Green Team" started chucking vegetables at Industry Corp., and strangely enough, a pie knocked the chief security kat right off his feet.  
  
"Geesh! These clowns have been tailing us for the past ten minutes! I can't shake 'em, Molly!" Mac said in a panicky voice.  
  
"That's cause ya' keep taking right turns, stupid! We've been around this block twenty times!" Molly reproached.  
  
A pie splattered onto their back windshield.  
  
"Cripes! They're usin' live ammo!" Mac cried, swerving the little car.  
  
"I'll take 'em out! Yous just concentrate on those left turns!" Molly pronounced, leaning out the window.  
  
A pie was shot into her gun-appendage, and another one got her in the face. Molly retreated to the inside of the cramped car, rolling up her window.  
  
"Molly! You've been pied!" Mac cried in anguish, giving a wild left turn.  
  
"Those clowns are gonna' get it!" Molly snarled, wiping the pie from her metallic face, "Quick! Heads for the countryside!"  
  
"Have you ever had a car stolen before?" Feral asked.  
  
"No…" The clown replied.  
  
Feral chuckled. "Then, boy, are you in for some paperwork!"  
  
"…"  
  
"Ahem, anyway, where was the last place you and your car were seen together?"  
  
"Hey, Razor, where are those Metalli-twerps headed now?" T-Bone questioned, sipping his milk.  
  
"I'd guess they're headed out of the city, over." Razor responded, daintily pecking his mouth with a napkin.  
  
"Well, think we should head after them again?" T-Bone pondered.  
  
"Roger, but lets wait until after desert." Razor responded.  
  
A pie hit him in the face.  
  
"That's not what I had in mind, over," Razor muttered.  
  
"Ah, I just love the countryside," Dark Kat murmured, standing by a neat little white cottage with a quaint white picket fence, "It's so peaceful, so serene. I just love gardening. It helps me relax, take a moment and realize the beauty that I so desperately want to destroy. And besides, I can grow specialized produce with a chemical mind-controlling compound that will allow me to take over the world! Mwahahaha…ha…erm…."  
  
Dark Kat looked around awkwardly at the bunnies who stopped eating his carrots to look up at him. He grinned sheepishly, pulling a vegetable from the basket hanging about his arm.  
  
"Radish anyone?"  
  
A cream pie suddenly splattered into one of the bunny rabbits. And then another, and another, and another, until-  
  
"Nooo! Evil pie demons! I will not let you harm another bunny!" Dark Kat wailed, running towards the last innocent bunny not pied.  
  
In slow motion, Dark Kat lunged towards the bunny, as the menacing cream pie drew nearer. Out of slow motion, Dark Kat landed on top of the rabbit, squishing the poor beast with a shrill squeak. The pie smacked Dark Kat in the side of the head. Getting up, there was a hole in the shape of a rabbit to be forever etched into the ground.  
  
"Holy catnip! What's going on?" Dark Kat demanded, as one really small yellow Volkswagen Beetle with multi-colored flowers decaled over it's body and a green tank full of honking clowns passed by.  
  
"Steer, Mac! Steer!" Molly shouted, grabbing the dash.  
  
"I am!" Mac retorted, weaving the car back and forth from the barrage of cream pies being thrown at them.  
  
"No, no, stupid! Steer!!" Molly screamed, pointing at a large bull in the middle of the road.  
  
"Holy bolts!" Mac shrieked, swerving off the road and through a fence.  
  
The bull looked on blankly as a green tank full of clowns approached and nailed it in the face with a dozen coconut cream pies.  
  
Dark Kat was horror struck.  
  
"NO! Jezebel! They've pied you!" He cried in anguish.  
  
Then Dark Kat noticed where the Metallikats and clowns were headed.  
  
"Gasp! MY GARDEN!!" The big kat screamed.  
  
Daintily holding up his robe, Dark Kat rushed over to his pied bull, Jezebel.  
  
"Jezebel! Can you hear me, girl?" Dark Kat asked, wiping as much of the cream off as he could.  
  
"Enough is enough!" The bull roared suddenly, standing perfectly on two legs, "My name is Harry! I am a male! That is why I'm called a steer!"  
  
Dark Kat was speechless, and then a smile spread across his face. "Jezebel! You're trying to tell me something! What is it girl, that blasted Timmy fell down the well again? Well he can just stay there for all I care! Hahaha!"  
  
"Oh for crying out loud! This is ridiculous!" The bull said exasperated, "Would you just climb on my back already so we can chase those reckless drivers out of here!"  
  
"Was your car hanging around with any gangs, rough looking cars?" Feral questioned.  
  
"No…" The clown replied blankly.  
  
"Was your car doing any premium coolant that you were aware of?"  
  
"Not that I was aware of…"  
  
"Hey Mac! Think you could try NOT hitting every freakin' sheep in this field!" Molly shouted, as a few more flew over the hood.  
  
"Can't help it! I gots to count 'em to stay awake during this driving sequence!" Mac shot back.  
  
A white she-kat with a huge pink dress on and a pink bonnet over her head was suddenly smeared over the windshield.  
  
"Scram Bo Peep! We don't want any freeloaders!" Mac shouted, punching through the windshield glass and sending the baffled Bo Peep flying off the car's hood.  
  
"Stop flirting, ya' metallic meatball!" Molly cursed, hitting him upside the head.  
  
"Quickly Jezebel! They're almost to the garden!" Dark Kat screeched, kicking the bull in the shanks.  
  
Groaning, the bull pulled closer to the speeding cars.  
  
T-Bone and Razor looked down at the scene, laughing their tales off.  
  
"Oh man! Those tin cans and clowns are wrecking Dark Kat's secret cottage!" T-Bone roared, holding his shaking gut.  
  
"Roger that! This is great! Copy!" Razor laughed, pounding his fist on the controls.  
  
Unfortunately, his unguided paw hit a launch button, and a seeker missile was sent zipping after the group. The Swat Kats got an even bigger kick out of this and launched even more missiles to follow the crowd.  
  
"Jezebel!! My garden! They're almost upon it!" Dark Kat shouted, grabbing the bull's ears frightfully.  
  
Startled, the steer bucked with all its might, hurtling Dark Kat over the mad pie-throwing clowns and right onto the hood of the yellow retro VW Beetle.  
  
"Holy crap! Look at the size of that bug!!" Molly screeched, pointing at Dark Kat.  
  
"Don't worry, hun, I'll turn on the wipers." Mac said, turning them on.  
  
The wipers bounced up and down along the windshield, stretching and squishing Dark Kat's face. Managing to pluck his flattened face from the windshield, Dark Kat made the mistake of looking back at the tank full of clowns. They pied him. Wiping off the pie, Dark Kat then noticed the barrage of specialty missiles flying right towards them from behind. Atop one was a bug-eyed bull.  
  
"JEZEBEL!?!" Dark Kat cried.  
  
The bull merely shrugged.  
  
"Ah, I just love looking at Dark Kat's secret cottage. It relaxes me to see him slaving in the hot sun over some petunias," The Pastmaster sighed happily.  
  
His amulet in one bony hand, a dry martini in the other, the Pastmaster began his spell.  
  
"Powers of darkness, yadda, yadda, show me Dark Kat's cottage." He chanted.  
  
A swirling vortex suddenly appeared right smack in the middle of Dark Kat's garden.  
  
"What the?" The Pastmaster exclaimed, spitting out his drink. Soon after, a pie slammed into his face.  
  
The yellow Volkswagen with the Metallikats in it and Dark Kat on it zoomed through the portal, followed closely by the green tank full of pie chucking clowns. And right as the portal was beginning to close, all of the Swat Kats missiles had made it through the spiraling shiny shift in space.  
  
Everything was quiet.  
  
The Swat Kats looked down from the Turbokat, to what had once been a most chaotic scene. T-Bone snickered. Razor giggled. The two vigilantes burst out into a hysteria of laughter that wouldn't end for a week.  
  
"Have you recently eaten a foot long wiener with ketchup, mustard, relish, and chili?" Feral asked.  
  
"No…what does that have to do with my car being stolen?" The clown asked.  
  
"Kats alive! Your car was stolen?!"  
  
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*Author's Notation: Okay, the hairball advisory has now expired, although, a new warning is being issued at this moment. All readers are advised to steer clear of suspicious looking cream pies. * SPLAT * That is all. 


End file.
